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Wednesday Dinner

Last night we had a typical Wednesday dinner for our house. One of us was sent from the table. One left without a word. One slurped noodles before being excused. And one was left sitting there staring at the candle in the center and wondering what the hell happened. That one was me.

That candle in the middle, I put it there as a small act of faith. A couple of jobs ago, when I was facilitating group meetings on a regular basis, I read a lot about circles. About half the time, I thought the things I was reading were just too new age hippy lalala for words; it concerned me that the other half of the time I thought it made perfect sense. Eventually, I remembered that I’m from Berkeley and I’m allowed to be too hippy for words. The idea with the candle is, first, to create a small ritual, to declare a sacred space. The candle also becomes a touchstone to remind me to pay attention. That second part didn’t work as well as it should have yesterday.

If I were truly brilliant, I would be able to convey how a complaint by one kid about the other’s manners suddenly became a referendum on Life with Mom. I think I’d have to be extra double super brilliant to make that chain of events anything but boring. Poe got to describe the workings of chains of thought first and I hesitate to fit my feet into his footsteps. The thing is, last night it went nuclear.

Syd came out and said that he wants to live with his dad.

He almost instantly recanted, but the thing with nuclear bombs is that you can’t call them back. You can reel back in horror of what is coming, or you can jump astride and ride that baby down with a whoop, but it doesn’t undo the damage.

By the miracle of shock, I did what needed to be done next. I told Syd I love him and that I want what is best for him. Like I said, he backed down from that statement. Now if I could just figure out what to do with this crater that used to be me, I’ll be good.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
shadowsmark
Mar. 13th, 2008 05:25 pm (UTC)
*Hug* to you. I can imagine how those words must sound.
jan_can_too
Mar. 13th, 2008 07:16 pm (UTC)
Thanks
I needed it. I know it's not deeply meant, but it hurts anyway. I hate being compared to Syd's dad and being found the less attractive parent, even though I know it's because I'm doing some of the tough right things.
(Deleted comment)
jan_can_too
Mar. 13th, 2008 07:21 pm (UTC)
Yes, I'm a mean mom, too
I usually defuse it by giving myself the Meanest Mom in the World Award first. It just came at a bad time yesterday and I'm ultra sensitive to it since Syd's dad and I had our share of struggles around parenting before and during and after the divorce. I've always had to be the heavy, both for personality reasons and because I was the primary caregiver for the first 7 or so years of Syd's life. Sometimes I just want to be the popular parent. Weak of me, but true.

Syd was perfectly nice and friendly and wonderful this morning, so it has obviously blown over.

I hate hormones. They do evil things to fifteen-year-olds.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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