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Behind already

It isn’t fair to feel behind already. It’s only 6:28 as I’m typing this. I’ve been up since 4. I’ll be going until late evening. I need to remember that it isn’t a race and that I’m allowed to take actual time to do things.

Not always the easiest task for me.

Part of it is that I don’t like chaos too much. I want to hurry though getting it in order so I can breathe and pretend I’m in control for a while. Part of it is the compulsion to cross things off my list. That’s a dangerous thing. It does make me do things, but it also feeds into my goody-two-shoes, look-at-me, teacher’s pet self. I can easily become addicted to gold stars. Or, looked at another way, I can transform into one of those rats frantically pushing levers because surely the treat will come eventually.

I need to find out whether I can be effective without the panic element, if, when I give up the worry, I do not magically transform into a complete slacker who never gets out of bed. I need to approach the day with a sense of space and patience.

Good luck with that.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
generalist
Nov. 18th, 2009 03:39 am (UTC)
Definitely. Best of luck with that. But for me, persistence is much more important than luck, gold stars forthcoming or not. Deliberate, directed personal transformation is so bloody difficult!

(Written quite sincerely and in an attitude of hopefulness)
jan_can_too
Nov. 22nd, 2009 02:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks Mark. I really appreciate you and your wisdom.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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