September 22nd, 2008

Sex Ed

Syd shared with me the handy pamphlet “101 Ways to Make Love Without Doin’ It” that he got at school. Dear God.

I do believe that sex belongs in committed relationships. I am not thrilled by the concept of kids shacking up all over the place. I worry about the potential for powerful hurt when people touch the deep places that sex opens. So, yeah, I would love it if my kids in particular and kids in general happened to choose abstinence until they were reasonably sure they had found a life partner. I also believe in Santa Claus.

I want my kids to know about birth control, so I tell them. I want them to treat themselves and other people with respect in their relationships, so I tell them. I also try to show them. Fortunately, I don’t rely on the schools to teach them how to abstain under the influence of major hormones.

Here’s where I get to shoot fish in a barrel (which Mythbusters found, actually, to be rather difficult, but I’m not about to change idioms in midstream…). I offer you suggestion number 40 from the list of ways to make love without “doin’ it.” Wash each other’s cars. Hey, babe, wanna come over and wash my car? All that wet soapiness just screams good clean fun, unless it screams wet t-shirt contest, and neither one is exactly the same as scratching where it itches, so to speak.

I have to admit that number 53, Meet each other’s family, is likely to cause a surge in abstinence. Wow, that dad of yours is really large and he looks so protective!

Number 55 is kind of kinky: Make sacrifices for each other. How do the goats feel about this particular piece of advice? Nothing like spurting blood to create that special bond. Yeah, I know. Not that kind of sacrifice, but still.

And how do we expect our kids to resist the allure of sex when we offer them number 30: Do homework together? Get serious. Which would you rather do? Thirty math problems or some serious multiplication?

The pamphlet could come in handy, though, for anyone wanting to follow tip number 95: Share private jokes.

We have to do better by our kids. Seriously.