October 14th, 2008


I’m awake too early again. I’ve been awake and out of bed for about an hour now. This makes no sense.

I’ve gone through stages, this morning. I tried rolling over. I tried pulling up the covers. I tried rolling over and pulling up the covers at the same time. I fluffed my pillow. I muddled through all the various meditation techniques. And eventually I just got up.

Because I’m insane, the first thing I do in the morning after I use the toilet and brush my teeth is write. The theory is that before I’m fully awake I can plug into my unconscious. Must be why my journal appears to be written by someone unconscious. Oops. Judgments are suspended for journal writing. Right.

I was mad, actually, when I started writing. I did not want to be awake. I did not want to have a dog licking my toes while I was trying to write while not wanting to be awake. I scribbled down all the bad things that were going to happen to me because I happened to be awake at 3.

And then writing did its magic thing. It reminded me that I can do my life any way I want. Nothing bad is going to happen. I may take a nap later, but naps are not bad. It’s going to be okay.

Well, duh. It may be only a five-watt bulb, but it was my own. Better than sitting in the dark, as they say.