October 14th, 2008

Early

I’m awake too early again. I’ve been awake and out of bed for about an hour now. This makes no sense.

I’ve gone through stages, this morning. I tried rolling over. I tried pulling up the covers. I tried rolling over and pulling up the covers at the same time. I fluffed my pillow. I muddled through all the various meditation techniques. And eventually I just got up.

Because I’m insane, the first thing I do in the morning after I use the toilet and brush my teeth is write. The theory is that before I’m fully awake I can plug into my unconscious. Must be why my journal appears to be written by someone unconscious. Oops. Judgments are suspended for journal writing. Right.

I was mad, actually, when I started writing. I did not want to be awake. I did not want to have a dog licking my toes while I was trying to write while not wanting to be awake. I scribbled down all the bad things that were going to happen to me because I happened to be awake at 3.

And then writing did its magic thing. It reminded me that I can do my life any way I want. Nothing bad is going to happen. I may take a nap later, but naps are not bad. It’s going to be okay.

Well, duh. It may be only a five-watt bulb, but it was my own. Better than sitting in the dark, as they say.