December 3rd, 2008

Guilt as a Business

So I’m really good at feeling guilty. I can efficiently reason my way into responsibility for almost any bad thing that happens. Here’s the thing: I think I should market my skill.

Don’t want to have dinner with relatives? It’s clearly my fault and for a small fee, I will happily take the blame. Your loved one doesn’t love you back? It’s nothing you did, really, now that you have hired me. I left the dust bunnies under your couch, yelled at your kids, kept you from finishing your projects by making you eat ice cream all day while watching reality television, sabotaged your workout program, made you drink too much at the office party, and generally wreaked havoc.

It occurs to me that there may be a slight problem with my business model. I think I need to operate from a safe distance in case my declarations of guilt result in someone wanting vengeance. I’ll be living in a nice quiet post office box… in Tahiti.