November 16th, 2009

Behind already

It isn’t fair to feel behind already. It’s only 6:28 as I’m typing this. I’ve been up since 4. I’ll be going until late evening. I need to remember that it isn’t a race and that I’m allowed to take actual time to do things.

Not always the easiest task for me.

Part of it is that I don’t like chaos too much. I want to hurry though getting it in order so I can breathe and pretend I’m in control for a while. Part of it is the compulsion to cross things off my list. That’s a dangerous thing. It does make me do things, but it also feeds into my goody-two-shoes, look-at-me, teacher’s pet self. I can easily become addicted to gold stars. Or, looked at another way, I can transform into one of those rats frantically pushing levers because surely the treat will come eventually.

I need to find out whether I can be effective without the panic element, if, when I give up the worry, I do not magically transform into a complete slacker who never gets out of bed. I need to approach the day with a sense of space and patience.

Good luck with that.